who Are Your Friends -- The Codicil

Last month, I discussed Joseph Smith’s quote:

How good and glorious it has seemed unto me, to find pure and holy friends, who are faithful, just, and true, and whose hearts fail not; and whose knees are confirmed and do not falter, while they wait upon the Lord…

My premise was that we should follow the prophet’s counsel when we choose friends. But I thought about my premise all month – off and on—and finally decided that limiting ourselves in that way is a rather narrow and selfish view of friendship in general, and severely limits our ability to enrich our lives. And so I write this codicil.

Recently in a Sunday class, we were discussing the non-members in our ward and how we could reach them. A man in the class said: “Why don’t we just leave those poor people alone? They don’t want to be bothered with the Church. All we do is make them angry and drive them away. Let’s just leave them alone!”

Unable (as usual) to keep my mouth shut, I replied: “If the first members of the Church, the 6 baptized members plus a few friends, gathered together on Tuesday, April 6^th, 1830 in that little cabin to organize the Church and sustain Joseph Smith as the prophet had been of the same persuasion, we would not be here today nor would more than 15 million others.”

The point is, the prophet never suggested that we (or he) should limit ourselves only to the kinds of friends he talked about. If we do, we leave one whole side of our mortal existence undeveloped.

The man who spoke out is certainly my friend. We sometimes bump noses in Sunday school or priesthood, and we sometimes agree to disagree. But I have told him on more than one occasion that “What happens in class stays in class.” So we remain friends.

I believe that we also need friends of different persuasions. Friends who challenge us. Friends who are sometimes difficult to understand, but nevertheless, need understanding.

I have read that friendship is dependent on compatibility and similar likes and dislikes. I think that in general, that is true, but not always. I have good friends who are considerably divergent from my own attitudes and beliefs, yet we are friends.

Friends who are, as my friend Rodney (name changed) is, my polar opposite. We graduated from high school together in 1961. In 1967, he realized he was gay. He told me that it was the hardest thing he ever did. He lives in San Francisco with a partner (now spouse) of more than 20 years. He is as liberal a democrat as anyone you will meet. He is gentle, loving, and concerned about those around him, and we are friends. We disagree on same-sex marriage, of course, yet we are friends. He will never join the Church in this life, yet we are friends. We may never meet in person again, yet we are friends.

In D&C 81:5 we read:

…succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.

And again in Hebrews 12:12:

Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

A powerful metaphor. It expresses beautifully those times when we feel despair or loss or loneliness. Can you see in your mind those times when your hands have hung down and your knees seemed to fail? Can you see in your mind those times when others around you have felt the same thing?

Certainly we need pure and righteous friends. Friends with whom we can share values and insights. Friends who will support us and love us. Friends who will help us – and we them – to confirm our often feeble knees. But limiting ourselves to pure and holy friends deprives us of the equally good and glorious opportunity to share the gospel with others. Friends help us weave the tapestry of our lives. Rodney contributes to the richness of my tapestry.

William Holmes Walker, in his autobiography (stored in BYU Special Collections, Writings of Early Latter-day Saints,) said this about the Prophet Joseph Smith:

The Prophet had a great many callers, not only those of his own faith. True and well-tried friends and those from different parts of the earth came to make a permanent home in Nauvoo, who were anxious to see him. But strangers from all parts of the country, traveling up and down the river, almost invariably made it a point to call and see the Prophet, as they called him. On one occasion, a man by the name of Jackson called. Not finding him at home, I heard him say to Mrs. Smith, "You tell the Prophet that the wickedest man on earth called to see him." Future developments proved that he told the truth for once.

So the great prophet himself encouraged the friendship of many with whom he had disagreement about various topics, including the basic doctrines of the Church. Yet they were friends.

Edward L. Kimball and Andrew E. Kimball, Jr., in their book, Spencer W. Kimball: Twelfth President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, wrote the following about the prophet and his relationship with his senior business partner:

In some ways Spencer was quite his older partner's opposite. … "Mr. Greenhalgh would swear a little bit," remembered one secretary. "You never heard anything like that from Mr. Kimball. The two were quite different."

But they were good friends. Bishop Greenhalgh used to say: "Here I am a Democrat and Spencer a Republican and [yet] our interests are the same. I think if we get a Republican president we'll go to pot and Spencer thinks if we get a Democratic president we'll go to pot. I guess that is what politics is all about."

Yet they were friends.

In adolescence, friends are everything. We want to spend time with our friends. We want to find large numbers of friends. We want to be seen with the right friends. We feel bereft if friends shun us and seek others. But as we mature, we become more selective. We tend to filter our relationships more carefully. We have fewer and more compatible friends.

Still, diversity can be the keystone to an interesting life and provides an opportunity to share our thoughts and beliefs with others. Diversity affects the woof and weft of our life’s tapestry. Wikipedia informs us:

In weaving, the ”woof” is the term for the thread or yarn which is drawn through the warp yarns to create cloth. “warp” is the lengthwise or longitudinal thread in a roll, while weft is the transverse thread.

Life is different from weaving – I think that sometimes we are the woof, and sometimes we are the weft as we interact with our chosen friends, but always contributing to the richness of our life’s tapestry.

So choose wisely. Choose friends who help you to confirm your knees and lift your hands, and be willing to perform the same service for them.  Remember that our friends can help us weave the rich tapestry of our lives. They can contribute color and depth and challenge to the weaving – to both the woof and the weft – and we can contribute to theirs.

Caro Ness, in her blog, Caro Ness – Thoughts and Musings, says:

Nurturing it [friendship] is hard but requires commitment, truth, trust and respect. With all these qualities in place, a great friendship should last for years, lifetimes possibly, and through life-changing experiences for both of you. You may only come across a friendship such as this once or twice in a lifetime. It is a rare thing, a precious thing, a blessing, a grace. It is a relationship to cherish, to treasure!