Smoked Oysters

We learned to appreciate canned smoked oysters – a lifelong favorite – in Panama City, Florida. The Branch President and his wife showed up one Monday evening at our little beach house with a tin of smoked oysters, some sharp cheddar cheese, butter, Ritz crackers, and cocktail sauce. Once they got us to try them, we discovered that we loved them. Usually, they are a New Year’s Eve delicacy served just as we learned to eat them, and with sparkling apple cider. YUM!

An interesting addendum to this story is that many years later, we found our branch President and his wife retired in Logan, Utah. He didn’t remember the oysters incident that meant so much to us. It was just a simple, soon forgotten visit from a loving branch president and his wife, (probably something they did regularly for young couples) but it had a real effect on our activity in the branch. Up until that time, we went to church when we wanted to, and didn’t attend when we didn’t feel like it. During their visit, they encouraged us to attend church more regularly – and we did. I eventually became the branch clerk and Kathy served as the assistant Laurel adviser.

The reason I am sharing this small story is to illustrate that the kindnesses we offer to others, small or large, may have an effect far beyond the actual act. Our long-ago branch president didn’t remember the visit, but it stimulated our activity in the Church and hardened our commitment to be regular attenders and participants in the gospel. This was really the start of our lifelong activity in the Church.

In fact, the small deeds we do, the small things we say, the small examples we set, may have a tremendous effect on someone’s heart – we may forget them almost immediately, but they may stay with someone for a lifetime. I have never watched the TV show called My So-Called Life, but somehow, this quote from it became one of my favorites:

Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.

We all have empty places in our hearts. I would wager that every person reading this has had one of those small places filled by a simple, loving remark from someone else, and I would further wager that it is cherished and often private – but something that is reached for when the light seems dim.

Often too, those small deeds come back to rest in our own hearts as we continue to interact with the friends we make by uplifting others. Dr. Robert H. Goddard (American rocket engineer 1882-1945,) said the following:

Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the sick and the aged, sympathetic to the poor, and tolerant of the weak. At sometime in your life you have been or will be all of these things.

The kindnesses of which Dr. Goddard speaks are essential to life and happiness – others and our own. Offering a compliment or recognizing another’s is efforts is easy, even when we don’t have a good relationship with the other, and doing such things will make a poor relationship grow better and a good one bloom. President Ezra Taft Benson had this counsel for fathers in the April 1981 General Conference:

Once you determine that a high priority in your life is to see that your wife and your children are happy, you will do all in your power to do so. I am not just speaking of satisfying material desires, but of filling other vital needs such as appreciation, compliments, comforting, encouraging, listening and giving love and affection.

I hope President Benson would not be upset if I suggested that his comment has general application for all of us. These are simple things that require very little physical effort but are really the stimulus for growth in others and ourselves. These kinds of skills are learned. For some people they come easily. For others they are very difficult. They do require practice and discipline. It may be hard at first; we may bumble and stutter, but the more we practice these skills, the better we get and the easier they become. Mary Ellen Edmunds, in her book, Love Is a Verb, teaches us the following:,

Give compliments. Find one. Even if it's hard some days. "Uh, son. I…uh…like the way you breathe. Yes! It's wonderful the way you breathe in and out, in and out, all the time. Faithfully. You're such a faithful son. So dependable in your breathing!"

A humorous example, of course, but perhaps a type of our own efforts. When we struggle to find something good to offer, a loaf of homemade bread or a bottle of jam might suffice to express feelings of love or regret. Published in the LDS Church News, On 23 March 1996, was an article entitled, How To Mend a Relationship in Which You Have Hurt Another, that offered the following example:

Several years ago my wife reprimanded a neighbor's son for doing something he shouldn't have done. His mother didn't like that, and there were hard feelings between our families for months.

One summer day I stopped at a roadside stand to buy some corn. I only needed a dozen ears for my family, but could get three dozen for only a little more, so I did. Upon arriving home, I walked across the street to the mother who had hard feelings toward us and asked if she would like some fresh corn for dinner. I gave her enough for her entire family and she thanked me.

That little act of kindness erased months of hard feelings. Our families have been friends again ever since.—Wayne H. Martin, Wilminton, Del.

Who knew that some corn could erase hard feelings? Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-45 tells us why this is so:

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly;….

We learn from this scripture that we must be long-suffering, gentle, kind, charitable and meek, seeking virtuous thoughts, have real love for others, and seek for the pure knowledge of the gospel. Only then may we have the confidence we need to compliment others. We learn that this is the way to prepare ourselves to be able to do what president Benson suggested: “fill other vital needs such as appreciation, compliments, comforting, encouraging, listening and giving love and affection.”

The Savior himself gave us further instruction (Matthew 5:43-45) in developing these skills. His example is always perfect::

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

Our efforts to be kind and loving toward others can be difficult at times and sometimes resistance seems to flare up suddenly. Just the other day my wife (who is always more sensitive than I) told me by whispering in my ear: “You need to apologize for what you said at the dinner table. You hurt people’s feelings.” I immediately did so, and I think it was appreciated. I certainly appreciated the way my wife handled the situation.

One of my other problems (I have many) is anger at other drivers on the road. My wife gently chastises me when I rail against what seems to be stupidity. She often says things like: “maybe he just didn’t see you.” “Maybe he (or she) is late.” “Maybe you should be kinder to others” I know she is right. There is no justification for my rudeness – even though the other person can’t hear me. She has helped me greatly – my anger has toned down considerably, and I am calmer and more peaceful on the road.

Whether it’s smoked oysters, a loaf of bread, some ears of corn, or a hug and a kind word, just give of yourself, and brighten someone’s day.